I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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