i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
