I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
this boner is exhausting
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
