just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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