My friends, they love my intelligence
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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