You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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