she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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