mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
