after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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