why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
