____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
