If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
