If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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