Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
