the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
