Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
