shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
