I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
