I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i black out too much to be "responsible"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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