the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
