I got chris browned last night
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
