the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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