so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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