if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
