If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
