I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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