you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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