Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
