i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
