Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
