Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
