I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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