I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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