I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
