I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
