Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
