remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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