just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
