I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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