so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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