Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
