my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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