her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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