I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
