i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
