i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
