Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
