I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is classic penis vs brain.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
