thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The uberlube is also flammable
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
