I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
