i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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