I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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