I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
