her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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