and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
