I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
