Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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