this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
