bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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