im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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