I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
