I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
even my farts smell like vagina
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
